Merry Christmas from the Legal Department

Santa Clause bustedIn my line of work, I have to deal with lawyers quite a bit. And I suppose they’re necessary.

But they’re really an uptight bunch. And sometimes they just go too far.

Take this message from the legal department of one of my clients, for example …


Whereas, on or about the penultimate night to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general dearth of Daily Living Activities by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, noxious vermin.

A variety of hosiery, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed in a workmanlike manner by and about the chimney upon the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were experiencing involuntary nocturnal hallucinations, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear.

Contemporaneously, the party of the first part (aka “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep, after taking sensible precautions against foreseeable drafts, including, but not limited to, adorning kerchiefs and caps.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the curtilage, a disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter “the Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other contraband items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with trace residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other contraband. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant disregard to the dangers of second hand smoke in the workplace.

Claus did not speak, and in a furtive manner immediately began to fill the hosiery of the minor children, which were affixed in a temporary fashion adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the Uniform Gifts to Minors Act.)

Upon complete commission of his acts, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts” and otherwise participated in a complicit manner. Claus immediately fled the scene for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

Courtesy of my lawyer and friend, Ken Hanson, who wrote this version of a chestnut that has been circulating for many years.

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