Fine restaurants in the Pacific Northwest had been serving cedar plank salmon for years. But Harry Aldrich and David Maddocks wanted to sell a home version.

Their idea was to manufacture a 6” x 12” piece of cedar wood. You put your salmon on the wood plank, put the plank into your home barbecue, and—voilà—cedar plank salmon.

When Aldrich met with the seafood buyer for the Fred Meyer stores in Portland, Oregon, he didn’t bother with sales patter. He just said, “I’m here to help you sell more salmon.” Then he let the buyer taste a filet cooked on one of his cedar planks. The reaction? “Wow!”

Aldrich provided some facts and benefits, but the buyer was sold with the first taste. Within a week, Aldrich and Maddocks had lucrative orders from more than 100 Fred Meyer stores. And they sold truckloads of those little cedar planks.

The lesson here is simple. One of the best ways to sell is to let your product sell itself. With a few proven techniques, you simply give your prospects a “taste” and their enthusiasm does the rest.

Two techniques are obvious:

Sample—A printer embosses a sample calendar with my business name, telling me I can order this very item for my clients. A generic perfume company offers two scented samples, one with an expensive name brand and one with a knockoff, challenging my wife to guess which is which. A textile company encloses a sample of a fireproof fabric and a match, daring business buyers to set the bit of cloth on fire.

When you have a good product or service, nothing will sell it as well as simply putting it directly into the hands of your prospects.

Free Trial—This is the single greatest offer in the world. You let prospects try your widget for a time period: 10 days, 20 days, 30 days, whatever. Or you can offer a free issue, shipment, or some unit of sale.

The Free Trial is often tied to a negative option. “Try 3 free issues of Wingnuts Today Magazine. If you like it, you’ll get a full year for just $14.95. If you don’t, just write ‘cancel’ on the bill. But keep the first 3 free issues as our gift to you.”

But samples and trials aren’t the only way to give people a taste of your product or service. The point is to bring products and prospects closer together. And you can do that to a lesser degree right in your direct mail package or ad.

Here are a few ideas:

Teaser Copy—I used this technique in a recent newsletter subscription package for administrative assistants. At the top of the letter, I showed a picture of the newsletter with a list of teasers preceding the offer, such as “How to dress down and still look professional,” “9 steps for motivating a lazy coworker without stressing yourself out,” and “7 ways to be a take-charge employee.” Virtually any information product offer can do the same thing.

Product Photos or Illustrations—Visuals give your prospect a sense of the quality and value of the thing you’re selling. For subscriptions and books, show the front cover. For software, include screen shots of the most powerful features. For industrial or high-tech equipment, provide cutaways with callouts describing prominent features. For less visual offerings, such as financial services, create an offer you can show, such as a special report, brochure, certificate, coupon, etc.

Letter with a Story—While it’s often best to present your offer quickly, a good story can start a letter with a bang while allowing your prospect to experience your product or service second hand. I created a package recently to sell a book on how to buy a house, and the letter told a little story before giving the offer:

I could just kick myself!

A couple years ago, my wife and I bought a new home. After we moved in, our neighbor asked us over for coffee.

What a shock! He had the same house design, but it was full of all the extras we couldn’t afford — like a fireplace, panel doors, tile, oak cabinets. It was stunning.

When I asked how much it cost, he smiled. “Nothing. I knew how to get the extras added on free.” And it was so simple, I could have done it, too. If I had only known the secret!

Testimonials—In addition to adding credibility and supporting your claims, testimonials let people vicariously sample your product or service through the experiences of others. But don’t settle for vacuous verbiage such as “I love it!” The best testimonials include specific details about using the product.

Harry Aldrich and David Maddocks made a fortune by giving prospects a taste of their product. What would happen if you gave your prospect a taste of yours? There’s only one way to find out.

Want to beat your direct mail or advertising control but don’t know where to begin?

Here’s a strategy I’ve developed over the years that can point you in the right direction.

Simply analyze your control and mentally toss it into one of three “buckets”: Excellent, Good, or Bad.

This will determine whether you should come up with a completely new idea, tinker with your existing control, or trash everything and start from scratch.

Beat an Excellent Control with a Revolutionary Approach

An excellent control is one that makes the right offer, uses the right format, and deftly employs all the right selling techniques. From a purely creative standpoint, it delivers a high-quality message. Most importantly, the numbers indicate it gets a superior response when mailed to the right lists or placed in the right media.

The key characteristic for excellence is that the control has proven itself a consistent winner in head-to-head tests. Merely being used for a long period doesn’t count because without testing, you don’t know if it’s a true winner. The longer a control has held its ground, the better it is.

Not too many direct mail pieces or ads fall into this category. And beating an excellent control is difficult. Given its particular approach, the control is doing just about all it can do, so making incremental changes probably won’t have a significant effect. Your best bet is to test a completely different approach. A radically different offer. A totally different format. You’re looking for a breakthrough, so you need fresh ideas. The more different, the better.

The problem is that when you have a longtime winner, there’s a natural tendency to modify new test ideas to conform to the old pattern. But there’s no point in producing variations of an excellent control that get about the same response. The Revolutionary Approach only works if you allow yourself to explore new territory and take chances.

Beat a Good Control with an Evolutionary Approach

A good control is just that, good. It works. But perhaps you believe it could do better. The numbers indicate acceptable performance, though it may occasionally get beat. There may be a few basic flaws or it may not take full advantage of certain proven techniques. Perhaps it’s a solid performer that’s starting to fatigue. Or its performance may be so close to that of other controls that it cannot be considered truly superior. It may even be a longstanding producer but just hasn’t been tested head-to-head to prove its superiority.

Most controls will fall into this category. Beating a good control isn’t always easy, but since there’s room for improvement, you don’t have to come up with a radically different idea or take expensive risks. Your approach should be to start with what you have and look for ways to make it better. And better could mean better response or less cost, either of which will mean more profit.

Evolution is about making small changes that incrementally improve your control. You add something. Subtract something. Make something bigger or smaller. Beef up the benefits. Make a more attractive offer. Strengthen the guarantee. Encourage more involvement. Test personalization. Make response easier. Whatever.

This is a safe and satisfying approach because you know you’re building on something that works. The only thing to remember is not to stray too far from the original. Whatever is working should keep working. You just want the same basic approach to work better or cheaper.

Beat a Bad Control with a Back-to-Basics Approach

No one wants his control to be in this category, but it’s true for a lot of controls. And I use the term “control” loosely because a bad control is one that is not performing well. And that means it’s not really a control at all. Most likely, testing has been sloppy. Or everything that has been tested has performed poorly, and the control is merely a little less poor than everything else. Or there’s been no testing at all.

What you’ll see here are clear violations of basic direct response principles, poor use or total lack of proven techniques, a copycat approach that’s inappropriate, weak offers, anemic guarantees if any, a lack of clarity and directness, and so on.

In this situation, there’s no point in trying to evolve something that isn’t working. And there’s also no point in trying new ideas when you don’t have a solid response history against which to measure results. So the only sensible thing to do is get back to basics. This means keeping things simple and straightforward. Emulate the success of others. Choose a basic format. Make a standard offer. Use proven techniques. Only when you have found what I call your “success groove” should you try anything remotely creative.

By all appearances, Charley Hill was an average, ordinary guy.

He lived in a mid-sized town with his wife, two children, and a dog. He went to church on Sunday, coached Little League, and drove a pickup truck. He was friendly but quiet, the sort of guy you could walk by on the street without noticing.

But appearances can be deceiving. Because Charley Hill was one of the most successful salesmen in the Midwest. What did Charley have that other salesmen didn’t? Not a thing.

He sold the same products. Carried the same parts. Provided the same service. Yet his sales were typically two or three times that of competitors. The reason?

Charley Hill didn’t believe in “fair” offers. In fact, he went out of his way to treat his customers unfairly.

Now obviously I don’t mean he cheated people. What I mean is that he made offers that were so compelling and seemed so skewed in his customers’ favor, people just couldn’t say no.

What is a fair offer anyway? A reasonable price? There’s nothing wrong with that. But there’s nothing very exciting about it either. An unfair offer, on the other hand, is very exciting. It’s a deal that makes a purchase seem irresistible.

How do you make an unfair offer?

First, think about what someone would assume is the value of what you’re selling. Let’s say you’re selling a widget and a common price for a widget of this kind is about $100.

Second, think about how you can add to your offer so that the perceived value appears to exceed the actual value. This means you throw in extras, such as a free gift, a second widget free, or extended service.

Third, specify the value of the widget and each extra and present the total value. So perhaps the widget is $100, and the extras add up to $250, for a grand total value of $350. This isn’t necessarily the true cost of the whole package, just the perceived value to the buyer.

From the buyer’s perspective, they’re getting a $350 value for just $100. This is the “unfair” part of the offer. It appears that your deal is so good, you’re being unfair to yourself.

This is just one simple example. You can structure an offer with any number of elements to boost the value, such as using free trials and guarantees. The more you can do to make the actual cost appear small in comparison to the total value, the more powerful your offer will be.

Charley Hill knew that you don’t need flashy products or a fancy sales pitch. You can sell just about anything to anyone if you just make the right offer. The more unfair it is and the more valuable it seems, the more you’ll sell.

How unfair is your offer?

There’s a moment you dread. You know it’s coming. You know you can’t do anything about it.

You want to think you’ll be calm and rational when it happens, but the cold shock of reality will almost certainly catch you off-guard.

I’m talking about the day you get your first “senior” mailing.

It could be an invitation to join AARP. It could be a catalog of pain relief products. Or maybe it’s a mailer with a picture of a gray haired couple on the front.

Whatever it is, it’s something for seniors and you’re not happy about it one little bit.

At first, you assume it’s a mix-up. That envelope can’t be for you. Not yet. No way. But it’s addressed to you. And a quick glance at the birth date on your driver’s license confirms that you’re not exactly a teenager anymore.

That’s when you feel a twinge of anger. “How dare they mail this to me! Do I look old or something? I’m not old. And even if I am, they don’t have to throw it in my face like that.”

You wonder if the mailman noticed. Or any of the neighbors. It’s not like that wretched thing arrived in a plain brown package. It’s out there screaming your age to the whole darn neighborhood. Talk about embarrassing!

So you cram it into the wastebasket, shoving it way down to the bottom so that it’s hidden beneath the trash. Then you just walk away, trying to forget the whole incident. “Maybe it was a mistake. That’s it. Just a big mistake.”

Why all the angst about a silly little marketing piece? Because seniors today aren’t like the seniors of yesterday. They don’t like to admit that they’re seniors. But it’s more than just denial.

Seniors really are fundamentally different than a generation or two ago. More and more come from a youth culture that started in the 50s. While they may be a little more conservative and a little less active now, they refuse to accept the idea that age is defined by the number of candles on a birthday cake.

So when you’re marketing to seniors, the first thing you have to remember is that you don’t call them “seniors.” And that goes double for terms like “old” or “elderly.” In fact, any direct reference to chronological age is a big no-no. People know how old they are. Trust me, you don’t have to remind them.

And it’s not just the words you have to watch out for. You have to be careful with the visuals too. Nix the blue-haired ladies in rocking chairs. Forget about images of bespectacled grandpas playing checkers. Many seniors are active, independent, empowered, successful, and highly satisfied with life.

And even if they aren’t, they like to think of themselves that way. So your pictures should reflect that.

In addition to all this psychological tiptoeing, remember that seniors have plenty of experience with people trying to sell them things. They’ve seen it all. They’ve heard every pitch. Read every ad. Opened a million pieces of mail.

So you’re better off being direct. Go easy on the hard sell and scare tactics. Just get to the point, solve a problem, make a promise, and present your offer. Advertising has been a central part of the culture for a long time now, so today’s seniors are smarter about advertising tricks than ever before.

And forget all the nonsense about using only short copy because people don’t read anymore. Not true. People are probably reading more now than ever before. But because there’s so much more to read, people are picky about what they read. Seniors especially.

People will read amazing amounts of material if it’s interesting and personally relevant. The trouble is, many of today’s young copywriters don’t know the difference between entertaining and interesting. And they assume that if the subject is boring to them, everyone else finds it boring too. They think they have to do a song and dance to keep people’s attention.

Spend the time to educate seniors on the unique nature of your product and the value you offer. Establish your credibility because who you are is as important as what you say.

Remove the risk because seniors tend to be more careful with their money. And for goodness sake, provide good customer service. Seniors have long memories. And they will never, ever forgive you for treating them poorly.

Remember, if you’re not a senior now, you will be. So you’d better start building up those karma points right now by marketing to seniors with a little respect. What goes around comes around, as they say.

The mailman’s on the way, my friend. Neither snow nor rain …

Telling the truth can be dangerous business.
Honest and popular don’t go hand in hand.
If you admit that you can play the accordion,
No one’ll hire you in a rock ‘n’ roll band.

Those are lyrics from a song performed by Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty in the movie Ishtar, one of the worst (and sporadically one of the funniest) comedies ever made.

Whatever you think of the movie, you can’t argue with the message of that song. Telling the truth can be dangerous business, especially if you work in direct marketing.

It’s dangerous because clients with crappy products expect you to lie, and telling the truth can get you in hot water with people writing the checks.

But I prefer to think that telling the truth is good for selling and for the whole direct marketing industry.

Think about it. Have you ever wondered why some people are direct mail responsive and others are not? Why some buy from catalogs, the Internet, or home shopping shows, and others wouldn’t even consider it?

There are lots of reasons, of course. But I’m convinced that one of them is good old-fashioned distrust. And you really can’t blame people.

With all the phony sweepstakes, crooked charities, flimsy products, faux invoices, free offers with suspiciously large shipping and handling charges, and other rip-offs and slights of hand, people have good reason to distrust direct marketers.

For the record, I think most people in direct marketing are honest most of the time. And I’ve been highly fortunate to work with hundreds of businesses who make an effort to sell good products and services and treat customers with respect.

But in the rush to meet sales goals, and with growing competition, pressure mounts to start telling those little fibs and white lies to move the sales needle.

Of course, if you do that often enough, you start losing track of what’s true and what’s a lie. It’s a slippery slope.

So for those of us who want to stay on the straight and narrow, let’s take a friendly little refresher course in basic honesty.

In Telling Lies, Paul Ekman gets right to the heart of the matter, saying that you’re lying if you meet these three simple conditions:

1. You know the difference between truth and falsehood.
2. You choose the falsehood over the truth.
3. You tell the falsehood without consent from or a warning to the other person.

He also defines two distinct ways of lying: concealment and falsifying.

Concealment is withholding information. You may not actually say anything untrue, but the omission prevents the other person from making an informed choice. Falsifying goes one step further and presents false information as if it is true.

From these simple concepts, we can create a short list of questions that we should ask about everything we do in direct marketing:

• What is the truth about this product, service, or cause?
• Am I telling the truth in my selling message?
• Does my prospect understand that this is a solicitation?
• Am I concealing or omitting any facts my prospect would want to know?
• Am I falsifying any information?
• Is any element of my message or format misleading?
• What is my intention with this technique?
• Does my success depend on trickery?
• What would my customers think if they knew what I was doing to get their business?
• What are the long-term consequences of what I am doing?

The ultimate question is: Can you be truthful and profitable?

Suppose you answer that question “no.” What does that say about you? There’s something seriously wrong if a business reaches a point where deception is a requirement for profit.

What happens if your search for the truth turns up a problem? Maybe your product stinks. Or the offer is lousy. Or the sales claims are unfounded. Well, that tells you something too, doesn’t it? It tells you that you need a better product, a better offer, or improved features.

I believe there is great power in the truth. Truth sells. When you set aside the tricky techniques and focus on a truth, you end up with a more cohesive and believable message. You preserve your credibility.

From a message point of view, truth is simpler, more compelling, easier. If you search for truth, you may even find buried benefits and reveal the true value of a product, which can help your message resonate with prospects.

Most importantly, truth is the only way to build and maintain trust in our industry and make more people responsive to our sales pitches.

Personally, I’ve turned away businesses hawking rip-off products. I’ve scolded clients for unethical offers. And I’m not at all bashful about quoting the DMA’s various publications on ethical business.

But you really don’t need an armload of reference material to decipher ethical questions. It’s simple: when in doubt, tell the truth.

Customer testimonials boost the selling power of nearly any direct marketing effort.

However, only about 1 out of 10 clients I’ve worked with makes an effort to consistently collect testimonials and keep them on file.

Why? Probably because it’s a hassle. Also, most businesses don’t have a reliable system for collecting testimonials. They just cross their fingers and wait for the random “thank you” message to drift in.

Well, that’s just not good enough. So I’m going to give you a simple way to gather solid testimonials from your customers.

But first …

A word about good customer testimonials

Testimonials work best when they are believable, specific, and enthusiastic. How do you achieve this ideal? You use real testimonials from real people.

Now I know that some marketers believe that you should write your own testimonials. But that’s a slippery slope.

The whole idea of testimonials is that they are objective endorsements of your product or service. So if you write them yourself, you don’t have anything like objectivity. What you have is a lie. And if you’re willing to lie about testimonials today, what will you be willing to lie about tomorrow?

What about writing testimonials and getting real people to sign off on them? I don’t have an ethical problem with that. Often, people don’t express themselves well in writing. And penning your own certainly lets you say what you want to say.

But I firmly believe that using the real words of real customers is the best long-term approach. Your customers will say things you could never dream up on your own. Their comments are often quirky and have a ring of truth that few copywriters can match.

Real testimonials are a source of creative inspiration and a valuable peek into the opinions and motivations of the most important people in the world: your satisfied customers.

The “spurf” testimonial gathering system

Okay, so let’s walk through my system and see how to get some honest, powerful testimonials. Just remember four letters: S.P.R.F. (pronounced “spurf”). It’s short for Schedule, Phone, Release, and File.

1. SCHEDULE. Make a commitment to bring in testimonials once a month, once a quarter, twice a year, or whatever. The time frame doesn’t matter; just make it part of your routine.

You may even want to set quotas — 10 new testimonials a month or 30 testimonials for each promotion you do. Again, the specifics are less important than your commitment to the routine. Just make sure your schedule is realistic and productive.

2. PHONE. Call a portion of your customer list according to your schedule. Start by saying something flattering, such as, “The president of our company has personally asked for your opinion. Would you mind telling me what you think about your widget?”

Ask a few easy questions that elicit responses that are either positive or neutral in tone: When did you receive your widget? Did your widget arrive in good condition? Have you used it (tried it, tasted it, read it, worn it) yet?

Then ease into the real questions: What is your opinion of your widget? Why did you buy your widget? What is the one feature you like most? Why would you say your widget is better than similar widgets? If you were to write an advertisement about your widget, what would your headline be? How has your widget saved you time (or money, or trouble, or embarrassment, or whatever)?

Another way to handle this is to ask customers to complete leading statements along the same lines: I bought my widget because _____. The one feature I like most about my widget is _____. My widget is better than similar widgets because _____. If I were to write an advertisement about my widget, my headline would be _____. My widget benefits me by _____.

Whatever you ask, keep it short. Don’t ask yes or no questions. Ask for open-ended comments. Write down (or electronically record) every word, even the bad comments. This is a treasure trove of customer input.

And in all cases, whenever you get a comment that isn’t quite specific enough, ask your customer to elaborate. Get the dates, numbers, names, and other facts that make testimonials sparkle.

3. RELEASE. When you get a good comment, type it up and overnight a copy to your customer by FedEx or the express delivery medium of your choice. Include a letter from the head of the company that says something like, “Mary told me about your comments. And I was so impressed, I just had to write and say, ‘thank you.’ In fact, your kind words were so valuable, I’d like to quote you in our advertising. Do you mind?”

Ask the customer to sign your release (giving you ownership of the testimonial forever and the authority to use it for anything) and return it in the postage-free envelope you have enclosed.

And as a kicker, mention that you’re sending a gift as a small token of your appreciation. This assures you will get more releases returned. Plus, it’s good customer relations.

4. FILE. If you don’t do it yourself, pick one person to organize and store your testimonials in a central location. If you have to share testimonials among divisions or departments, send copies, not originals.

As for physical storage, a file folder in a filing cabinet works as good as anything. Depending on the size of your company, you may want to set up a separate file for each product or service line.

You may want to enter your best testimonials into a Word or text file. This will let you do keyword searches if you’re looking for something special. And you can quickly cut and paste testimonials when it comes time to write copy.

Two variations for gathering customer testimonials

“Spurfing” may not appeal to you if you don’t have customer phone numbers, don’t want to make phone calls, or if you need lots of testimonials quickly.

So here are a couple of alternatives:

Variation #1: Questionnaires. Mail is a less direct method than phoning, but it lets you approach a large number of customers simultaneously. Follow the same questioning strategy as above: flattering opening, easy questions, real questions, promised gift. Include release language. If a comment isn’t clear, follow up and iron out the details.

Variation #2: Bribes. This is similar to #1, but with more emphasis on positive comments and the gift. Just send a questionnaire with release information included and be clear about wanting positive remarks. Offer a particularly valuable gift, but only for comments you actually want to use. To spice it up, you can run a contest for the best testimonial, headline, or success story.

Of course, no matter how aggressively you collect testimonials, you should also provide a way for people to share their thoughts with you at other times as well. And you should be prepared to record and file any unsolicited testimonials whenever they come in.

Make sure all positive correspondence is routed to your desk. Encourage phone operators and sales people to relay customer remarks.

If you have a catalog, provide a toll-free comment line. On your website, provide an interactive form or email link for feedback. In your billing, fulfillment, and other contacts, enclose a postage-paid comment card.

Once you have a system in place, you’ll find that getting testimonials is easier than you thought. You may even come to enjoy it. But the real payoff comes when it’s time to create your marketing materials.

Testing is at the core of direct marketing. It’s what makes direct marketing scientific and accountable.

Unlike mass market advertising, nearly every decision in direct marketing is (or should be) made by the results on a calculator.

But after working in this industry for many years, I’ve discovered that most people have a hard time wrapping their head around even the most basic testing concepts.

So let’s run through a few of these ideas in the form of question and answer.

Q: What’s the first step in any test?
A: Good testing starts with careful thinking. Before you rush into a test, take out a pen and paper and write down the answers to a few basic questions: Why am I testing? What are my objectives? What do I hope to learn? What questions do I want answered?

Which questions are the most important? How complete do my answers need to be? What will I measure with this test? What are the variables? What variables are most important? How will I design the test? How much time do I have for a test? What is my budget for testing? What restrictions are there?

Q: What should you test?
A: What you test should reflect what you believe will make the most difference in your results. For a new direct marketing program, you should focus on big issues such as the product itself, lists or media, marketing strategy, prices, and offers. For an established program, you may want to test offer enhancements, formats, creative execution, and premiums.

Just don’t make the mistake of testing microscopic items such as the tilt of a stamp when you’re not even sure about the best price for your product. Focus on the basics. That’s generally where you’ll make the most impact.

Q: What should be the goal of any given test?
A: Knowledge. Yes, you want to boost response and increase net income. However, building a body of knowledge about what people want and what they respond to is ultimately more important. Testing is about gaining knowledge. Profits come from the application of that knowledge.

Ideally, every test should answer one specific question. For example, “Will adding a lift letter signed by a well-known doctor increase response to our package?” Your rationale may be that since people respond to authority figures, such as doctors, adding a lift letter will increase credibility and boost response.

Your test, then, will answer your question and prove or disprove your hypothesis for a particular product marketed to a particular audience. This is the basis for your growing body of knowledge, the ultimate goal or “big picture” of all your testing.

Q: Why bother with testing when you can just copy what other companies are doing?
A: Every company, market, product, and offer is in some way unique. Learn from others, but consider it a starting point, anecdotal information at best. Most people don’t test as carefully as they should, so just because you frequently see a particular direct mail piece, ad, or broadcast spot doesn’t mean you can count on it being a winner.

Be particularly cautious about copying the ads of big companies whose primary income is generated by means other than direct marketing. This is where some of the very worst examples of direct response advertising are produced.

Q: How do you test a list before you’ve tested a direct mail package?
A: Good question. And how do you test a direct mail package before you’ve tested a list? It’s frustrating. But when you start out, that’s the fix you’re in.

So here’s the advice I give to novice clients: Create a basic advertisement to test the basics. This means you must start with a direct mail package or ad that is straightforward and as simple as possible, using proven formats and techniques and nothing too creative. This will allow you to confidently test lists, media, offers, prices, product configurations, and other big issues. Later, you can move on to control testing to boost results.

Q: When is the best time to test?
A: Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Always. You should be testing something with every mailing, every print ad, every broadcast spot, every e-mail. Otherwise you’re wasting valuable opportunities to learn and, therefore, cut costs and boost profits.

Q: How many elements should you test at a time?
A: One. Testing more than one element will make it impossible for you to know what makes a difference in results. If you’re testing price, change only the price. If you’re testing an insert, don’t add anything else. Of course you can certainly have more “cells” in your testing grid to test other elements simultaneously. But each cell must only test one thing.

If you constantly test elements in this way to refine a control, you are taking what I call the “Evolutionary Approach,” slowly and methodically growing a stronger and stronger control over time. If you lack the patience for this or need a big breakthrough, try the “Revolutionary Approach.” This is where you test a whole new idea, the more different the better. Most smart direct marketers use a combination of these methods.

Q: What numbers should you track?
A: That depends on what you want to find out. But the more data, the better. Keep detailed reports on the number of pieces mailed, the number of responses you get, response source, the conversion percentage, the income those responses generate, the average order, the percentage response, your income per thousand, your cost per order or cost per response, your net profit, returns, bad debt, and every other fact that you need in order to calculate specifically how your promotions perform.

Over time, this will be a gold mine of information.

Q: What should you do with test numbers after a test is complete?
A: Analyze your results in writing. You should have an official report for every mailing, ad, and broadcast spot. It should contain a description of the test, the purpose of the test, the components of your package or the elements of your ad or spot, your mailing or media plan, statistical data, complete results, a numerical and verbal analysis, and the action taken or advised as a result of the test.

Q: Besides numbers, what else should you analyze?
A: Look for the “why” in every test. Knowing what works is important. But knowing why it works is even more important. If a lift note boosts response, don’t just settle for “Well, lift notes seem to increase response, so we’ll use lift notes in all our packages.” People don’t respond to technique per se; they respond because a technique does something to persuade them.

Ask “Why?” Why does this particular lift note work? What does it say? What objections does it meet? What function does it serve? When you know the why – or can make a reasonably good guess – you can apply that knowledge intelligently.

Q: How reliable are test results? Should you retest?
A: Initial tests have a nasty tendency to be fluky. So you should always retest, especially when you get a positive result or a significant change in results. It’s tempting to instantly toss anything that fails and adopt anything that wins. But it often pays to be patient. Test it again and see if you get similar results before making a decision.

Q: Should you use test results to determine creative strategy?
A: Absolutely. Mathematical results are the best way to end debates on issues such as creative approaches, formats, and offers. If your creative people are afraid of results that don’t match their ideas, you should strongly consider hiring new people.

Gut instinct plays a big part in the creative process, but no one knows better what will work than your own prospects and customers. Results rule.

While wading through some of the more erudite (i.e. stuffy, jargon-laden, hard to read) periodicals at the local library, I ran across an old copy of the Journal of Advertising Research from way back in 1997.

The title: “To Whom Do Advertising Creatives Write? An Inferential Answer.” The premise: Carry out an experiment to see if creative personnel have difficulty making a connection to their audience.

The result: They do.

The authors selected a group of creatives and a group of TV viewers. They showed each group television commercials and asked them to respond “personally” to those ads through a questionnaire.

In a nutshell, these agency creative people could not respond personally to the ads, only “professionally.” Their responses “very closely paralleled those of the other advertising professionals who judge advertising awards.”

And the authors concluded that even though the creatives’ job was to “translate strategy into (a) meaningful message,” they did not in fact communicate with consumers, but with other advertising people.

The TV viewers, on the other hand, had no problem responding personally. And their responses had nothing to do with the professional quality of the ads.

Instead, they responded positively to advertising that was “self-enhancing,” and were “puzzled, confused, even angered” by some of the well-crafted messages, especially those using so-called “professional” techniques, such as “quick cuts, arch and cutting humor, (and) advertising that featured people and situations implicitly putting down the viewer.”

Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be.

Many creative people in advertising are out of touch. Not just in general advertising, but in direct as well. No one had to conduct a study to show me that creative people often don’t connect with consumers. It’s obvious.

What might not be so obvious is what smart creatives should do about it if they’re at all concerned with results. Or perhaps it should be. Because what I suggest is just that — the obvious.

With your permission, I will resurrect the 14th century Franciscan philosopher, theologian, and political writer William of Occam, who put forth what has come to be known as “Occam’s Razor.” It is also sometimes called the Law of Economy or the Law of Parsimony.

In William’s words, non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem. Translation: Entities are not to be multiplied beyond necessity. Further translation: Keep things simple. Translation for direct marketers: When faced with a creative challenge, do the obvious first.

Don’t get all wrapped up in new techniques. Don’t put form before function. If you have something to say, say it. If you want a prospect to do something, ask them to. The very best creative people in our business are those who do not feel compelled to justify their salary by wowing people with their brilliance.

A few other obvious suggestions to connect with your prospect:

Avoid mistakes before seeking brilliance. Direct marketing profits seldom result from a wild new creative idea. Generally, it’s the solid, tried and true ad messages that work again and again, year after year. If you have a groundbreaking new format or creative tactic, test it, but don’t get caught up in a search for the Holy Grail.

Be honest and straightforward. Fake invoices, deceptive offers, clever copy to disguise a bad product, and other tricky techniques often work well. However, treating your customers like ignorant sheep is bad for long-term success. The way you sell says something about you. If you must use tricky techniques to sell, what you need are better products and offers. If you’re a solid company with good products, act like one.

Try to really help people, instead of just sell to them. Going just for a quick sale will often lead you to dry, overused techniques. But if you make a genuine effort to be helpful in offering your product, you’ll hit the hot buttons. For example, if you’re a bank wanting to increase deposits, don’t just send out a letter saying, “Open your high-interest account today!” Offer a free booklet that educates your customers about how to use your services, with a title such as “How to double the money in your savings account in seven years.”

Remove the barriers to buying. People want to buy things. However, if there’s a good reason not to part with their money, they won’t, no matter how persuasive you are. The fastest way to success is to remove the physical, emotional, and financial reasons not to buy before you tinker with creative. The introduction of the 800 number, for example, did more for selling success than any 16-page letter or infomercial with high-production values.

Make your copy crystal clear. If your readers / listeners / viewers don’t understand what you’re selling or why, they won’t buy anything. Your first job is to be clear. Don’t be cute. Don’t try to impress. Don’t preach, rant, or ramble. Good copy gets to the point quickly.

Try this: pick up your phone, call a friend, and explain in 30 seconds what you’re selling. Then hang up and write down what you said. See how clear and straightforward you are? Why be any other way in your message to a consumer?

Be truthful and believable. If you’re truthful, you believe what you’re saying. If you’re believable, your prospect believes what you’re saying. To encourage belief in your truthfulness, back up your claims every way you can — with testimonials, case studies, strong visual evidence, solid guarantees, merchandise return labels — anything that “proves” you’re on the level.

Always state a clear, specific call to action. People aren’t stupid, but they are lazy. I am. And I’ll bet you are, too. Never make people guess or assume anything. If you want a phone call, say so. If you want a filled-out order form, give instructions to do it.

Always guarantee your product or service. If you have a good product, stand behind it. A guarantee isn’t a burden, it’s a boon. It’s a powerful marketing tool. A solid guarantee is tangible proof that you’re reputable. And it helps to lower the perceived risk your prospects feel when considering your offer.

Don’t make your envelopes too pretty, too often. An envelope that gets ripped open is like a kamikaze pilot. It’s sole purpose in life is to carry its powerful cargo to a specific tactical location and then sacrifice itself as it delivers that cargo. But if your envelope is a design masterpiece, prospects might avoid tearing it open like they avoid tearing pretty Christmas paper. Make your envelope a kamikaze pilot, not Christmas wrap.

On your envelope, use copy to select your audience. Your prospect needs to understand that your message is addressed specifically to him or her. Your prospect should think, “This is for me. I might be interested in this.” Use key words that relate to your prospect’s interests or identity, such as “Exclusive offer for golfers inside.”

Make a personal connection in your letter. A letter should be personal, honest, easygoing, warm, and friendly. It should sound like one friend writing to another, not like the guy selling slicer-dicers in the mall.

Talk about your prospect’s wants and needs. People don’t care a jot or tittle about you or your company, which is why you shouldn’t spend time in your letter beating your chest about your capabilities. Talk to people about what they want and how that want can be provided with an immediate reply.

Sound down-to-earth and believable. If you’re selling a get-rich-quick scheme, you can get away with a hucksterish patter. Your audience wants to believe the unbelievable. However, most people respond best to a straight-arrow style. Don’t put on an act, just write like you talk.

Always include company name, address, phone, fax, and e-mail on brochures. Brochures are keepers, so they should provide complete offer and ordering information for delayed orders or pass-along orders. Plus, repeating this information sends a clear message that you truly want a response.

Make your order form stand alone. Always assume the worst case scenario and highlight the complete offer, toll-free number, mailing address, premiums, and every detail needed to complete a sale. And make it easy to fill out and mail. Some complex products need detailed order forms, but too many are needlessly difficult to fill out. Keep it as simple as possible, on one side, with as few fill-ins as you can get away with while still being complete. Give directions if you need to. Make it crystal clear and smooth-flowing.

Include a BRE if you ask for confidential information. When you ask for credit card numbers or other personal information, you must insure the privacy of that information by enclosing it in an envelope. If you don’t, you’ll lose a ton of orders from prospects who will forever think of you as completely insensitive to their privacy.

Obvious, isn’t it?

Remember, if you want to avoid cutting your own throat in the direct marketing business, use Occam’s Razor. Connect to consumers by doing the obvious.

Will cracking jokes help you sell?

Considering how often advertisers and agencies put on the fool’s cap and prance about in an attempt to evoke giggles, laughs, and outright guffaws, you would think the answer is “Yes.”

However, we in the direct marketing business are almost always warned against clowning around.

John Caples, in How to Make Your Advertising Make Money, states the generally accepted rule of thumb for most direct marketers, saying simply, “Avoid humor. What is funny to one person is not funny to millions of others.”

But I think Claude C. Hopkins said it best. “People don’t buy from clowns.”

However, while this is accepted at face value by the bean counters, creative people often don’t believe it, since they are by nature inventive, curious, and suspicious of any so-called rule.

Confronted with the dictum “Don’t be funny,” the doubting creative genius will nod in agreement to avoid an argument. However, he or she is secretly thinking, “Yeah. It didn’t work for you, because you didn’t do it right. You’re boring. You’re not funny.”

So, seeing the advice against humor coming from the old fuddy duddies, confident in their own creative prowess, bolstered by shelves of pointy-tipped awards, and besieged by waves of funny ads flowing out of the hottest agencies, creatives continue to see humor as a valid selling tool in every medium.

They believe it’s a matter of proper execution. The logic goes thus: “A clever idea presented correctly will make prospects laugh and put them in the mood to buy.”

Besides the arguable irrelevancy of getting a laugh in the process of making a sale, I see here not just a difference of opinion, but a simple lack of understanding about the nature of humor and how people react to it.

Forget the rules for a moment. Let’s just make the wild, sweeping, unfounded assumption that laughs help us sell. Okay? Now, let’s take a hard look at humor for a moment. Assuming that yuks make bucks, we must ask, “What do people find funny? What can we do to make people laugh?”

A Little-Known Fact: There are only 5 jokes in the whole world

You may think there are a billion jokes chuckling their way around the planet. In fact, there are just five things that make people laugh:

1. Exaggeration — “My mother-in-law is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house!” When you blow something way out of proportion, that’s exaggeration.

2. The Put-down — The Don Rickles style of comedy isn’t too popular in these politically-correct times. Yet for some, a fast, verbal slap in the face remains unerringly comical. “Boy, are you dumb. If you were any slower, you’d be going backwards.”

3. The Pun — Punning is all about using words and phrases in surprising ways to arrive at something new. At a wedding recently, where the bride wore an off-white gown, a relative leaned over during the ceremony and whispered in my ear, “That’s what I call an Ivory Soap Bride.  99 and 44/100 percent pure.”

4. Surprise — From the Three Stooges pratfall to screaming “Surprise” at a party, witnessing or creating surprise trips a chuckle switch deep down in our brain. (However, we like to surprise others, but don’t like to be surprised ourselves.)

5. Silliness — In his thin book Cruel Shoes, Steve Martin reveals how to “fold soup.” In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, King Arthur’s knights pretend to ride on invisible horses while their assistants make clopping sounds by banging together empty coconut shells. Jim Carey parades across the movie screen as Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, catching bullets in his teeth. “Aaallllrightythen!” For the more highbrow, this is often called non sequitur humor, meaning “it doesn’t follow.”

A Strategic Problem: You can’t target laughs

Now that we’ve enumerated the various species of humor, let’s look further into the realities of laughter. There are two facts about people worth noting:

1) Some people don’t have a sense of humor at all. They may laugh at something when cued by a crowd, a sitcom laugh track, or situations where they know they are expected to laugh — at the boss’s jokes, for example. But the laughter is not real. Without the cue, they don’t know what’s funny.

2) Few people like all five types of humor. Some will laugh at a pun, while scratching their head at a non sequitur. Another will go into hysterics at an exaggeration, but roll their eyes at a put-down.

These two observations present serious problems. Since some people need a cue to know what’s funny, a joke won’t work with a percentage of your prospects. Let’s assign an arbitrary number to this group, say 10%. In other words, one out of ten prospects won’t get your joke.

Worse, since those who do have a sense of humor won’t respond to all five types of joke, you have more people who won’t get it — or at least won’t like it. Let’s assign more numbers here. Let’s say that everyone with a sense of humor responds well to three kinds of joke (and that’s probably generous). This means that of those with a sense of humor, two out of five won’t laugh.

Since there’s no prospect list in the world that gives you psychographic data so precise that you’ll know what type of humor to use, you can’t target a laugh. Your joke will be thrown out at random.

So, we do a couple calculations, and if my math is right, we arrive at a total of 54% who will laugh and 46% who won’t. Roughly half of your prospects won’t get your joke!

A Timing Problem: People aren’t always in the mood to laugh

Another observation. When you sit down to open your mail at the end of the day, are you looking for a laugh? When you’re rushing to complete an important project at work, do you want a joke in your email inbox? When you’re reading a magazine article about retirement planning, are you receptive to a clever pun about smoke detectors in the ad on the opposite page? When you’re watching a news story about a plane crash, do you expect a good joke about yeast infections during the commercial break?

Regardless of humor type, most of the time, people just aren’t in the mood for humor. People are tired, stressed, and often cranky. Good days are few and far between. People will sit down to watch a funny TV show or two, but jokes just don’t fit into the day-to-day routine.

A Mathematical Problem: Humor Just Doesn’t Add Up

Even assuming perfect creative execution (you’ll need a professional comedian writing the copy), a positive correlation between humor and selling (arguable at best), and a reader/viewer/listener who is in a receptive mood at any given moment (the odds are long), you are still left with the mathematical elimination of half your response.

If you would normally expect a response of 1%, your perfectly executed joke will slash that response to 0.5%.

Yes, yes, yes. I’m playing fast and loose with all these percentages, but you see my point.

Whatever the actual numbers, it should be clear that humor is not an inclusive selling technique, pulling in more prospects. It is an exclusive technique, segmenting and eliminating people based on whether or not they get a joke.

The Conclusion: Don’t use humor

So, will cracking wise help you sell? No. You can be funny and make sales, but you could be straightforward, clear, and direct and make more sales.

I’m not saying that having a “sense of humor” is wrong. Or that your message shouldn’t be warm, open, and light in tone. When appropriate, this can be a good thing. I’m certainly not suggesting that you be deadly dull, serious, and boring all the time. I’m just saying don’t be in the business of telling jokes and trying to be funny.

The next time you think about using humor, or your creative team comes up with a real yuk fest, or your client demands something funny, ask yourself, “Is telling this joke so important that I’m willing to lose half my sales?”

I think you’ll agree, that’s no laughing matter.

In my last post, I talked about the nightmare of customer defections and showed you a dramatic calculation that demonstrated the profit you sacrifice when they leave you.

If you lose one customer every day who spends just $5 a week, you’re out $94,900 a year ($5 x 52 weeks x 365 days = $94,900)! If you’re a service business, you’re losing 15-20 percent of your customers every year. So the actual loss is huge and growing persistently over time.

At the heart of customer defection is lack of satisfaction. This isn’t the same as dissatisfaction, which means an active dislike for something. Lack of satisfaction is simply the absence of any good reason for a customer to stick around.

Do you remember that U.S. News and World Report statistic I gave you? A whopping 91 percent of customers who leave do so simply because they are not satisfied.

How do you satisfy customers and retain their business? Any number of ways.

But since all relationships are based on good communication, that’s a commonsense place to start. Specifically, this means asking questions, staying in touch, and being generous.

Step 1: Ask Questions

People almost never tell you when they like something and only occasionally complain when they don’t. So the only way you’ll find out what you’re doing right or wrong is to ask your customers.

Ask directly with a short questionnaire, a comment card in your fulfillment, a phone survey, a feedback form on your website, or whatever it takes to get answers about the good and bad of your customers’ experiences.

Keep the lines of communication open with a dedicated, toll-free customer service phone line and a special customer service email address. Feature this information in your store and catalog; on your website; and in invoices, emails, and all customer communications.

Staff your customer service department with well-trained people. When you get complaints, solve problems promptly, give customers something for their trouble, and remind them that you care.

And, since people move, get married, have kids, and constantly change, you must keep your database fresh. Only when you know the who, what, when, where, why, and how of your customers’ purchases will you be able to fix problems and improve service.

Step 2: Stay in Touch

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. However, in marketing, familiarity makes the heart grow fonder.

A simple, inexpensive newsletter may be all you need to maintain a friendly familiarity with your customers. It can include information about new products and services, company policies, helpful articles, and anything that may be interesting, relevant, and useful. Just make sure it isn’t a bunch of thinly veiled advertisements. People will see right through that.

Letters and emails are great ways to thank customers for their business and reward them with special offers and inside information. For your top customers, consider a personal phone call just to say thank you.

Of course, a regular stream of offers also works, though you’ll lose a little of the bonding effect of more personal contacts. If you can tailor your offers to a customer’s buying habits, this can be effective. Some online companies, such as Amazon.com, do this quite well, combining targeted offers with a personal feel.

Step 3: Be Generous

People are willing to pay for quality. But don’t nickel and dime them to death.

A while back, I bought a relatively expensive computer. At the conclusion of an otherwise topnotch sales experience, the salesclerk asked if I would like a mouse pad. I said, “Yes,” only to have the clerk say, “Okay, that’s three bucks.”

It was a nice mouse pad, but after spending thousands of dollars for a computer, monitor, and several accessories, that extra $3 felt like an insult.

Little acts of unexpected generosity can go a long way toward cementing your relationship with customers. Free floor mats with a car, a free DVD with a DVD player, a free light bulb with a lamp, free advice with completed tax returns. Little extras make your customers feel that you’re a friend, not just another company out for a buck.

For more information on “generous” marketing, read Harnessing the Power of Kindness in my Learning Center.

In the end, business is more than sales. It’s about relationships. If you develop and nurture those relationships through a commonsense communication program, you can reduce customer defections, increase customer retention, and boost your profits dramatically.